Have you ever had this feeling where you don't really belong? It's not a heavy feeling. It feels kind of hollow. Yeah, I get that too. Quite frequently actually. I feel so empty lately. I don't know what I live for. No, it's not to the point where I have suicidal thoughts. I guess it's because I still think it's wrong to take your own life. But then, I don't feel like I'm living for myself, get what I mean? I feel like I don't have a purpose. What is my purpose anyway? Am I really living the life I wanted? Or am I actually living in this life for my family? I love my family. I miss them too.
Here, I always feel so lonely. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm sure no one would even want to listen. The anxiety gets worse at night though. That's when I would usually cry myself to sleep. Do you how hard it is to not make a sound? To not sniffle too loud and cover your face with a pillow so your cries would be muffled? Is this my way of seeking for help? I try so hard to put on a smile everyday as everything is alright, as if I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm going to keep lying to myself till it actually comes true.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm not good enough. Then these ridiculous thoughts of having to prove myself would appear and well, you know what follows. The higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment if something doesn't work out as planned.
My new schedule sucks. I don't even have time for myself. I don't really get the meaning of having some "self-time" because I really don't think I get it a lot. When I do have some free time, I would usually go out on my own and do my own thing. Alone. I've tried so many things to fill this gap I have in my heart but nothing seems to work. It only gets worse. I know that someday things will get better and I'm wishing so hard that it would come sooner. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling so out of place and unwanted and I'm tired of being replaced. I want to feel needed for a change. Basically, I'm just tired of being tired.
Is this how depression feels like? Even if I do talk to someone, no one would ever believe me. "Get over it." That's what they'll say. "It'll pass." Yeah, sure. It's been 4 years now. I've been crying myself to sleep for 4 years. Does that matter? Then I would wake up and pretend like there's nothing wrong in my life. Will this emptiness ever go away? What does it even mean? Do I need to be loved and pampered? I don't know. I've never experienced that before. I just need a friend. Someone who'll be there for me just like I would always be there for them. Till then, I'll have to put on a smile and just try to get through the day.
