Empty

Have you ever had this feeling where you don't really belong? It's not a heavy feeling. It feels kind of hollow. Yeah, I get that too. Quite frequently actually. I feel so empty lately. I don't know what I live for. No, it's not to the point where I have suicidal thoughts. I guess it's because I still think it's wrong to take your own life. But then, I don't feel like I'm living for myself, get what I mean? I feel like I don't have a purpose. What is my purpose anyway? Am I really living the life I wanted? Or am I actually living in this life for my family? I love my family. I miss them too.
Here, I always feel so lonely. I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm sure no one would even want to listen. The anxiety gets worse at night though. That's when I would usually cry myself to sleep. Do you how hard it is to not make a sound? To not sniffle too loud and cover your face with a pillow so your cries would be muffled? Is this my way of seeking for help? I try so hard to put on a smile everyday as everything is alright, as if I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm going to keep lying to myself till it actually comes true. 
Sometimes I feel as if I'm not good enough. Then these ridiculous thoughts of having to prove myself would appear and well, you know what follows. The higher the expectation, the greater the disappointment if something doesn't work out as planned. 
My new schedule sucks. I don't even have time for myself. I don't really get the meaning of having some "self-time" because I really don't think I get it a lot. When I do have some free time, I would usually go out on my own and do my own thing. Alone. I've tried so many things to fill this gap I have in my heart but nothing seems to work. It only gets worse. I know that someday things will get better and I'm wishing so hard that it would come sooner. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling so out of place and unwanted and I'm tired of being replaced. I want to feel needed for a change. Basically, I'm just tired of being tired. 
Is this how depression feels like? Even if I do talk to someone, no one would ever believe me. "Get over it." That's what they'll say. "It'll pass." Yeah, sure. It's been 4 years now. I've been crying myself to sleep for 4 years. Does that matter? Then I would wake up and pretend like there's nothing wrong in my life. Will this emptiness ever go away? What does it even mean? Do I need to be loved and pampered? I don't know. I've never experienced that before. I just need a friend. Someone who'll be there for me just like I would always be there for them. Till then, I'll have to put on a smile and just try to get through the day.

Going Down My Timeline

Hello. So today I decided to check [is that even the right word to describe what I just did?] my posts on facebook. God, I didn't know I was so immature. Well I guess I was. And maybe I'm still just as immature.

The heartbroken posts, the song lyrics, etc. I was everything I hated today. I'm pretty sure if the me now is looking at all of those posts from the past me, I would be really annoyed. When I went to check the date I first joined facebook, I actually set my relationship status as married. Oh God, I feel so embarrassed.

Then, I was reminded by this one guy. Yeah, I'm sure everyone has a particular someone who left some sort of an impact on their lives. Impact. What a word.

It was stupid. I was stupid. I mean, I knew I was playing with fire but I guess you'll never know that it could actually hurt you until you've burnt yourself or something.

I'm still not ready to tell the whole story though. I don't know why. It's been ages. Okay, I was just exaggerating but it's just something that I don't know, kills a part of me every time I think about it. Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to talk about it.

Red

Hi again. So yesterday I had the opportunity to listen to Taylor Swift's latest album, 'Red' and also the deluxe edition. I only have one word for it. Awesome.
Yes, she is my favourite singer but I am definitely not being biased about this. I mean, come on. The songs are beautiful. All kinds of emotions can be felt as you listen to the whole album. She may not have the most powerful voice but she is clearly improving. She is so much better now. So I guess I should list out all of the songs in the album.
Basically 'Red' consists of 16 songs and they are:
1. State of Grace
2. Red
3. Treacherous
4. I Knew You Were Trouble
5. All Too Well
6. 22
7. I Almost Do
8. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
9. Stay
10. The Last Time (feat. Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol)
11. Holy Ground
12. Sad Beautiful Tragic
13. The Lucky One
14. Everything Has Changed (feat. Ed Sheeran)
15. Starlight
16. Begin Again

The deluxe edition consists of another 6 songs;
1. The Moment I Knew
2. Come Back... Be Here
3. Girl At Home
4. Treacherous (Original Demo Recording)
5. Red (Original Demo Recording)
6. State of Grace (Acoustic Version)

All of these songs have a different feel to it. My current favourites are 'The Last Time' and 'Come Back... Be Here'. I do think she is a fan of Nicholas Sparks. Her last album had 'Dear John' while this one has 'The Lucky One'. Either way, she is still one of the best songwriters out there. Her ballads are the best, to be honest. Oh and she released the music video to 'Begin Again'. It was beautiful. The setting, her style, everything was gorgeous. Here it is. Enjoy.

TMNB.

I Knew You Were Trouble

cr: x

Taylor Swift has released another single which was premiered on Good Morning America on the 8th of October. It's called I Knew You Were Trouble. I totally love this song. It doesn't sound like her usual break up song and it has a sort of dubstep chorus which I really love.
I have been into dubtep songs lately. I don't even know why. All of these songs just seem to linger in my mind and they don't show any signs of leaving.
So yeah, back to the song. Here's the link if you want to listen to the full song. ✘
Here are the full lyrics so you can sing long to it:

Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago
I was in your sights, you got me alone
You found me, you found me, you found me

I guess you didn’t care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard, you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

And he’s long gone when he’s next to me
And I realise the blame is on me
Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Shame on me now, flew me to places I’d never been
Til you put me down

Oh, I knew you were trouble when you walked
Shame on me now, flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh. Trouble, trouble, trouble.
Oh, oh. Trouble, trouble, trouble.

No apologies, he’ll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn’t know that you’re the reason why
You’re drowning, you’re drowning, you’re drowning

I heard you moved on from whispers in the street
A new notch in your belt is all I’ll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see

He was long gone when we met me
And I realize the joke is on me

Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Shame on me now, flew me to places I’d never been
Til you put me down

Oh, I knew you were trouble when you walked
Shame on me now, flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh. Trouble, trouble, trouble.
Oh, oh. Trouble, trouble, trouble. 

And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me, or her, or anyone, or anything
YEAH! 

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Shame on me now, flew me to places I’d never been
Til you put me down

Oh, I knew you were trouble when you walked
Shame on me now, flew me to places I’d never been
Now I’m lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh. Trouble, trouble, trouble.
Oh, oh. Trouble, trouble, trouble.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

cr: x

Worrying

So yesterday was officially my first day as a second year medicine student. However, it is not confirmed yet for a few of us if we could make it into the second year. I, in particular, am very worried. I haven't been one of those top achievers this year and I slacked. Yes, I slacked and messed up. I don't know what I was doing. I'm beginning to regret everything. I don't want to repeat the first year.
Why?
Embarrassment. That's a big word. But here I am, talking about it. I don't think anyone would notice anyway but it still hurts me because I cam't really talk about it with anyone. I'm so scared and I'm feeling so alone.
Dear God, please let me proceed into the second year with ease. I promise I'll try my very best to improve.
TMNB.